Thought Patterns

Just got this from CripHumor, By and For the Severely Euphemized. My fave is #3, followed closely by #5.

Ouch's Top Ten

This top ten was submitted by Stevie Kennedy from Essex, who previously sent us Ten worst things to say to a person with M.E. This one was inspired by a previous Ouch Top Ten. Thanks again, Stevie!

"What are you doing in that wheelchair thing?"

1 "My skateboard's broken."
2 "Why not? That's what I say."
3 "Well, why are you walking?"
4 "Wheelbarrow races are so passé."
5 "It’s even more environmentally friendly than one of those hybrid cars."
6 "I’m on the run from the police. I thought this would make me look less conspicuous."
7 "Can you guess?"
8 "I was too heavy for my helper dog."
9 "Cruising for someone special."
10 "Chillin‘. Killin‘."

Linkage:
CripHumor
Ouch!

From CripHumor:

Many PWD can relate to Sylvester Stallone, 61, who will return in his third Rambo sequel after 20 years. The Green Beret will journey to Myanmar to overturn its despotic regime. Watch for age-appropriate uniforms and equipment. Soon cross-overs of uniforms and equipment to meet the needs of the disabled community will appear, thanks to good OLD Sylvester Stallone going first:

1] Combination dog tag/medic alert bracelet
2] Dr. Scholl combat boots
3] Bi-focal night vision goggles, for day and night wear
4] Electric bayonet
5] Hand grenades with orthopedic grips
6] Clapper activated tent lantern
7] Sans-a-belt flack jacket
8] Low sodium, high fiber MRE's
9] Accessible Tank with perpetual left turn signal
10] Congestive purple heart medal
- Bob Mills

From CripHumor:

Once again Jest-A-Day provides us w/a reason to laugh… We learn it is "Deaf Awareness Week" ~ DAW is the last full week, Sunday through Saturday, of this September! It's in commemoration of the first World Congress of the Deaf held that week in 1951. Thanks for that info [Jest-A-Day Journal - http://jestaday.com ]

A logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a few times, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Then chopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber," and that tree fell as well. He went through the same process with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn't fall over. So he tried a chain saw, and then explosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what to do for a minute then finger-spelled "T-I-M-B-E-R." The third tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that this particular tree was Deaf.
[Thanks to Dr Bill Vicars ~ BTW, He collects deaf jokes, HoH [Hard of Hearing] and American Sign Language jokes. Have any? Send 'em to BillVicars@aol.com ]

—

Question: What language do pigs speak?
Answer: Swine language.

Question: What language do porcupines speak?
Answer: Spine language.

Question: What language do billboards speak?
Answer: sign language

—

[from the Crip Humor ~ By and For the Severely Euphemized archives at http://www.topica.com/lists/CripHumor ]
Hard of Hearing…
Two women run into each other outside an exclusive department store. The first woman is carrying lots of packages and it's clear she's been power shopping.

Woman One:
"Sweetie, I don't know why we haven't seen you around the club lately. I ran into your doctor and he said he told you to diet and exercise."

Woman Two:
"Really?! Well, bless your heart for telling me. I sure thought he said, "Buy it and accessorize!"

Or something like that.

From CripHumor:

[from Stan Kegel]

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex, and almost always the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc, I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Also from CripHumor:

"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself… not here at the hospital but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel."

President George W. Bush, Jan. 1, 2006
Amputee Care Center, Brooke Army Hospital

(I'd love to know if this is a true quote.)

From my best friend, MAF:

Subject: It's all in the wording

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Also from MAF:

Subject: Re: Little 'bout Tennessee

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Onced and twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar! (Sweet tea is a lifestyle down here)

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Being from Tennessee means:

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. (Amen, sister!!)

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

Not EVERYONE can be a Tennessean, it's an art form and a gift from God!

Got this one a little late, which is better than never.

From CripHumor:

From Geno.

From CripHumor:

Why was the mosquito limping?
He went in through a screen door and strained himself.

From: "THE GIANT BOOK OF ANIMAL JOKES
By Richard Lederer and James D. Ertner