Thought Patterns

Too good to not share.

From my librarian friend, Miz Legs:

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, MARKETING DIRECTOR, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f—ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

I have sleep apnea, whoopie. Anyway, I've used a LOT of masks since being diagnosed about three years ago (wow, has it been that long??).

I have a new one now, a ComfortLite 2. Not bad. Quiet, which Lorna likes.

I had the DreamFit Nasal Mask. Ugh. Hated it. Leaked, never really fit right, leaked, noisy. But I wore it every night like a good girl.

I had a Breeze the longest and loved it. Noisy, though, but rarely leaked.

The ResMed Mirage Swift was noisy as heck. I liked it though, because it rarely leaked. But, dang, it was noisy!

I've had others, too, but not for very long. The idea is to have something comfortable enough that the patient will wear it. I wouldn't wear them so I took 'em back.

Click the link below to see images.

(more…)

Or something like that.

From CripHumor:

[from Stan Kegel]

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex, and almost always the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc, I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Also from CripHumor:

"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself… not here at the hospital but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel."

President George W. Bush, Jan. 1, 2006
Amputee Care Center, Brooke Army Hospital

(I'd love to know if this is a true quote.)

From my best friend, MAF:

Subject: It's all in the wording

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Also from MAF:

Subject: Re: Little 'bout Tennessee

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Onced and twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar! (Sweet tea is a lifestyle down here)

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Being from Tennessee means:

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. (Amen, sister!!)

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

Not EVERYONE can be a Tennessean, it's an art form and a gift from God!

We went out to run errands and the sky was looking ominous. Black, active, nasty looking. You know, ominous.

We came across wet road at a few points but didn't meet rain until about two miles or less away from home. The truck was beaten senseless by the hail stones and Lorna and I were shouting at each other to be heard.

Normally, we would have pulled over and waited it out except we had the dogs outside, several of which are terrified of storms. So we pushed on.

We crested the final hill, about a half mile from the house, and started down…and the sky cleared. No rain. No hail. But good golly Miss Molly! The ditches were running over with water, there was debris everywhere. And then we saw the sides of the road was white with hail.

We live in a low spot on the hill/mountain. It is literally uphill in all directions. As we approached that, we realized there was a thick pile of hail across the two lane paved road. It had to be at least ankle deep in the middle and deeper on the sides. We pulled up to the house and this is what we saw.

And the hail in the road, about a half hour later:

By the way, the dogs were relatively fine. Sam, the young'un, keeps going out and eating hail, coming back in soaking wet and muddy. Again. And again. PopCorn and Sparky are still twitchy. Maggie was the only one dry. Even she had to have heard that hail on the tin roof. Joella is velcro puppy. Oh, and Casey is just fine. She could care less. The goldfish (Sumo, Sake, and Kiko) just wanted food. The cats that were outside demanded to be let in and the cat that was inside wanted out then wanted back in immediately!

Anyway, the storm was gone and it's not rained since. We've had a very dry winter and needed the rain. Just not all at once! I see blue sky and wonderfully huge and white thunderheads from where I sit.

I got some sporadic writing done today. It all added up to a decent count for the day, which is good, right?

BG3 is going good. It finally crossed the 10K mark. One-eighth of the way done. :rolleyes:

I've set a goal to reach at least 80K in 20 days. I'm going up Nawth around April 21st and I want it done before I go. Done, dammit, done! That means around 3500 words a day. I can do this. I can. Yep.

There's a big enough breeze that it is causing my huge chimes to sing. It is beautiful.

I like the deeper tones and we looked a long time before we found one that I liked. The longest one is about 3-4' long. I love their sound.

I made a recording just now but it is full of static. You can hear the chimes, but they're not as beautiful as in real life. Ya know?

.WAV sound file of the chimes.

Save Our Science!
a Planetary Society Project

And just why should you or I care?

Read this article.

Funding Woes Halt Plans to Search Out Potential “Killer” Asteroids
6 March, 2007

A giant rock, perhaps half a mile in diameter, may be hurtling towards us this very minute through the emptiness of space. If it strikes the Earth, or blows up in the atmosphere, the explosion would be equivalent to that of 100 million tons of TNT, twice as powerful as the largest nuclear bomb ever detonated. If it struck the United States, it could wipe out a small state. But chances are, we will never see it coming.

This, explained Simon Worden, director of NASA Ames research center, is because scientists have not been given the funds to look for these Near Earth Objects (NEOs) that might be heading our way. “We know what to do,” he said; “we just don’t have the money.

The objects in question are space rocks with a diameter greater than 460 feet (140 meters), and scientists estimate that there are 20,000 of these that could potentially collide with Earth. In 2005 Congress asked NASA to come up with a plan to track most killer asteroids, and propose how to deflect one if it is headed for a catastrophic collision. Although NASA scientists believe they could find 90% of these objects by the year 2020, funding for the search has been hard to come by.

full article