Lesbian Fiction ForumDear Pets:
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine/Feline attendance has never been necessary.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal or your butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Our Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like
to Complain About Our Pets:1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
plagiarized stolen borrowed from mad_spinster over at WheelchairJunkie.com
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Keywords: Critters, Humor
last modified: 05/25/06 00:26
Good stuff! Think I will print out those rules in a size 16 font and have everybody that comes in read and sign it. But there is one thing not quite right in #5 where you said they don't "…smoke or drink." In a former life, back when we were young, had lots of parties, and would start out on the floor because we found out the hard way that you can't fall off the floor, I had a cocker spaniel that I swear was an alcoholic. You set a drink on the floor, didn't matter what it was, she was in it in a flash, lapping away. Had an amazing capacity for body weight. But eventually she would get falling-down drunk as a skunk. Of course we would laugh our asses off till she wandered over to a quiet corner and passed out. Loved that dog…
— submitted 5/25/2006 @ 7:17 am
Cute! Even though I have the alien in addition to two cats, I think it's hilarious! =) And that little kitten visiting you is soo adorable!
— submitted 5/25/2006 @ 11:37 am
[…] Posted by Winston on 27 May 2006 at 04:29 am | Tagged as: Realities, Laugh Out Loud Paula O has stolen and posted a hilariously serious letter to her pets with some guidelines they must abide … or else. She also outlines a set of rules for non-pet owning visitors. Oh how I wish I had thought of this and posted such guidelines for visitors long ago. What chutzpah — people, coming into my house and complaining about my dog, who is better behaved than many of the guests themselves. […]
— submitted 5/27/2006 @ 4:29 am
winston told me about you…and i totally agree, no matter where you stole it from..
— submitted 5/27/2006 @ 8:18 pm
Hey! I didn't steal it. I borrowed it. There's a difference. To be specific, I "borrowed without intent of return". Although I did give mad_spinster credit.
— submitted 5/28/2006 @ 11:35 am
mad_spinster here.
Just wanted to say that I did not create "The Letter to Pets."
I received this bit of humor in an email from my twisted cousin, who I am reasonably sure, received it, in turn, from another friend.
It is humor that I believe is meant to be enjoyed. Pass it on.
— submitted 7/9/2006 @ 10:16 pm