Month: December 2007

Yah-freakin’-hoo!!

Patriots’ Historic Game to Be Available to All of America, After All

By RACHEL COHEN

NEW YORK (AP) -After weeks of insisting they wouldn’t cave in, NFL officials did just that Wednesday. Now all of America can see the Patriots’ shot at history.

Saturday night’s game between New England and the New York Giants on the NFL Network, which is available in fewer than 40 percent of the nation’s homes with TVs, will be simulcast on CBS and NBC.

The Patriots could become the first NFL team to go 16-0 in the regular season.

“We have taken this extraordinary step because it is in the best interest of our fans,” commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement after the league announced it was reversing course. “What we have seen for the past year is a very strong consumer demand for NFL Network. We appreciate CBS and NBC delivering the NFL Network telecast on Saturday night to the broad audience that deserves to see this potentially historic game. Our commitment to the NFL Network is stronger than ever.”

full story

Usually, I post this sooner but this year I got involved in other things and neglected my tradition.

The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) tracks the progress of Santa each year since 1955, according to their news release. The NORAD Santa website has all the up-to-the-minute information on Santa’s journey across the globe.

With the world in military crisis due to Shrub’s idiocy, this is a much better use of the technology, don’t you think?

A friend sent a link to a 1939 cartoon titled “Peace on Earth”. It was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, the only cartoon to ever get that honor. Go watch it.

Another friend posted a story titled “Christmas With Louise”. I don’t know if it is true or not, but who cares! It’s a hoot!

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?

You’re kidding me! Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door ‘What the hell is that?’ she asked.

My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll’

‘Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

‘Where are her clothes?’ Granny continued.

‘Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran’ Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!’

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’

I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.

Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

This year Lorna and I decorated the mantle and the outside a little. First time we’ve done either in several, well, many years. Just never been in the mood. Life is rough enough without the gaudiness tacked on. But this year we decided to decorate a little to help keep us in the good mood we seemed to be in (more on that later). Nothing much, just enough. I wish we could have gone back and gotten two more of the outdoor lights so that we’d have them for next year. Chances are, they won’t be available. But the pre-lit garland is beautiful and those don’t really matter if they match or not.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Remember, it is not the Santa or the gifts or the decorations. It is the birthday of a special human who was born with the gifts of God. Let us wish him a Happy Birthday be celebrating the relationships with those around us.

Lorna came home and turned on the radio so I could catch the end of an interview of Jane Rule on Fresh Air. Awesome.

link to Jane Rule interview