From the CripHumor Archives
4-22-04
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The
pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that
calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was
born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind
being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell
me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”
The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those
white tipped canes?”
“Yes I do,” she replied.
“Then the next time someone says that, hit them over the
head with the cane,” he said. “Then tell them ‘If you had
more faith that wouldn’t hurt!'”
4-29-04
You Might Be A Handicapped Redneck If:
- Any part of your wheelchair is painted cameo.
- You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
- You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
- You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots, even though they’re hard to put on and you can’t walk anyway.
- You adjusted your headrest so it’ll stop knocking off your hat.
- You installed a gun rack on the back of your wheelchair.
- Your joystick [which does not live up to its name] is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer. tap, or similar item.
- You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
- You have knobby mud tires – that never get dirty.
- You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a truck or hog.
- You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and bars!
- There is a ‘Harley’ decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.
- You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
- You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.
- You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.
- You named your chair ‘Bubba’, ‘Junior’, ‘Daisy’, or ‘Killer’.
- There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
- You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing or battery compartment of the chair.
- You, while in your wheelchair, ever made any roadkill.
- The accessories hangin’ on the chair weigh more than 1/3 what your w/c does.
- You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your wheelchair.
- You want to add a side-car or a ‘sweet little trailer’.
- You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as you sit.
- The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever gotten caught in your wheels – but you wear it anyway.
- You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they’re going to start making wheelchairs.
- You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang fuzzy dice from your chair.
- Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.
- You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point, “Now that’s a good idea!”
May 02, 2004
Hymns for the Disabled Crowd
1. Precious Lord, Take My Hand … And Help Me Up
2. It Is Well with My Soul … But My Knees Hurt
3. Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
4. Just a Slower Walk with Thee
5. Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
6. Go Tell It on the Mountain … But Speak Up
7. Sign Me that Old Time Religion
8. Blessed Insurance
and …..
9. Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah … I Can’t Find Any Curb Cuts
6-2-04
–Parking is for Disabled Patrons Only–
Violators Will Have Their Thighs Superglued Together .
7-22-04
A newsletter from Eugene, Oregon for Disabled Boating Enthusiasts ran a contest for clever boat names. The following names Reeled in the honors….
Brace Yourself
Sir Osis of the River
Aqua Accessible
Meals on Reels
Sea Legs Minus One
Seaing Aye Dawg
Herring Aid
Crawller
Hooked on Quads
A Sight for Sore Eyes
Anchors Away with my Wheels
and, on a houseboat, Paralyzed Veterans Home